In its pathological form, narcissism originates as a defense against feelings of helpless dependency in early life, which it tries to counter with “blind optimism” and grandiose illusions of personal self-sufficiency. Since modern society prolongs the experience of dependence into adult life, it encourages milder forms of narcissism in people who might otherwise come to terms with the inescapable limits on their personal freedom and power–limits inherent in the human condition–by developing competence as workers and parents.

But at the same time that our society makes it more and more difficult to find satisfaction in love and work, it surrounds the individual with manufactured fantasies of total gratification. The new paternalism preaches not self-denial but self-fulfillment. It sides with narcissistic impulses and discourages their modification by the pleasure of becoming self-reliant, even in a limited domain, which under favorable conditions accompanies maturity. While it encourages grandiose dreams of omnipotence, moreover, the new paternalism undermines more modest fantasies, erodes the capacity to suspend disbelief, and thus makes less and less accessible the harmless substitute gratifications, notably art and play, that help to mitigate the sense of powerlessness and the fear of dependence that otherwise express themselves in narcissistic traits…

…Modern capitalist society not only elevates narcissists to prominence, it elicits and reinforces narcissistic traits in everyone. It does this in many ways: by displaying narcissism so prominently and in such attractive forms; by undermining parental authority and thus making it hard for children to grow up; but above all by creating so may varieties of bureaucratic dependence. This dependence, increasingly widespread in a society that is not merely paternalistic but maternalistic as well, makes it increasingly difficult for people to lay to rest the terrors of infancy or to enjoy the consolations of adulthood…

…The best defenses against the terrors of existence are the homely comforts of love, work, and family life, which connect us to a world that is independent of our wishes yet responsive to our needs. It is through love and work, as Freud noted in a characteristically pungent remark, that we exchange crippling emotional conflict for ordinary unhappiness. Love and work enable each of us to explore a small corner of the world and to come to accept it on its own terms. But our society tends either to devalue small comforts or else to expect too much of them. Our standards of “creative, meaningful work” are too exalted to survive disappointment. Our idea of “true romance” puts an impossible burden on personal relationships. We demand too much of life, too little of ourselves.

Our growing dependence on technologies no one seems to understand or control has given rise to feelings of powerlessness and victimization. We find it more and more difficult to achieve a sense of continuity, permanence, or connection with the world around us. Relationships with others are notably fragile; goods are made to be used up and discarded; reality is experienced as an unstable environment of flickering images. Everything conspires to encourage escapist solutions to the psychological problems of dependence, separation, and individuation, and to discourage the moral realism that makes it possible for human beings to come to terms with existential constraints on their power and freedom.

~Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism

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  The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations
  Author: Christopher Lasch

What else could I say?

These are the temptations and sins of our moment in America / the developed modern world.

What does the solution look like? This struggle is new and classic at the same time, I am reminded of an anecdotal story about the founder of The Salvation Army. At a conference gathering many of the Salvation Army “regulars” William Booth gave a profoundly poignant speech with eloquence and emotional power… it contained but one word.

Others

~William Booth

I think this is the beginning of an escape from the fatal inward spiral of narcissism, if you can manage to sidestep the inherent temptation for the new god of self-fulfillment it may actually lead you all the way out.

That’s my hope…

Categories: Admonishment, Narcissism, Adulthood, Books
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Thus, brother theologian, here you are,
Connoisseur of heavens and abysses,
Year after year perfecting your art,
Choosing bookish wisdom for your mistress,
Only to discover you wander in the dark.

Ai, humiliated to the bone
By tricks that crafty reason plays,
You searched for peace in human homes
But they, like sailboats, glide away,
Their goal and port, alas, unknown.

You sit in taverns drinking wine,
Pleased by the hubbub and the din,
Voices grow loud and then decline
As if played out by a machine
And you accept your quarantine.

On this sad earth no time to grieve,
Love potions every spring are brewing,
Your heart, in magic, finds relief,
Though Lenten dirges cut your cooing.
And thus you learn how to forgive.

Voracious, frivolous, and dazed
As if your time were without end
You run around and loudly praise
Theatrum where the flesh pretends
To win the game of nights and days.

In plumes and scales to fly and crawl,
Put on mascara, fluffy dresses,
Attempt to play like beast and fowl,

Forgetting interstellar spaces:
Try, my philosopher, this world.

And all your wisdom came to nothing
Through many years you worked and strived
With only one reward and trophy:
Your happiness to be alive
And sorrow that your life is closing.

To find my home in one sentence, concise, as if hammered in metal. Not to enchant anybody. Not to earn a lasting name in posterity. An unnamed need for order, for rhythm, for form, which three words are opposed to chaos and nothingness.

~Czeslaw Milosz, Poet at Seventy

• 
  New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001
  Author: Czeslaw Milosz

If you could look into the future and grab some wisdom from your future self, perhaps something like this would be the best you could hope for.

In this way of appreciation, looking back through the eyes of others has the power of looking forward with your own… perhaps even better. Then it is just a matter of listening, learning, and applying… living even.

Categories: Wisdom, Czeslaw Milosz, Adulthood, Poetry
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In the last couple decades very few people jump from graduating high school to being a settled down adult. There has now stretched out a very long period of time that involves exploration, trying to figure one’s self out, trying different jobs, maybe going to college, maybe going to graduate school until you are 30 years old, it involves a lot of feeling in limbo, instability, transients and a sense of opportunity but also confusion and anxiety and melodrama and self obsession… emerging adult hood.

Its its own phase in the life coarse, so its not just the last hurrah’s of being a teenager and its not the early stages of being a fully settled down adult. Its its own almost 10 year period that has its own characteristic experiences, expectations, and cultural feel to it.

Most emerging adults do have it in their minds that sometime in the future they will settle down and become fully mature adults, and by that they mean the standard markers in our culture. They get married, have children, have a real serious career, and get a house or condo, and begin to experience a full fledged middle class mass consumer lifestyle with the appropriate vehicles, pets, and children.

Many look forward to that, but it has less of a tone of maturity or responsibility or duty than it does, finally succeeding, finally perhaps stop partying, be a responsible spouse, and settle down… it has a very strong materialistic feel to it.

~Christian Smith, “emerging adults” Mars Hill Audio interview.

• 
  Souls in Transition: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of Emerging Adults
  Author: Patricia Snell

Categories: Adulthood, Maturity, Mars Hill Audio
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