So today I had my first unofficial toastmasters meeting. Toastmasters is kinda like a covert self improvement society with aspirations for public speaking. They get together a couple times a month and force each other to speak publicly to each other. It feels a bit like you are in the middle of a corporate game of Scatagories, as if someone developed a business model around party board games. The first time I went, I was a guest, so I just observed all the on goings. The next time I was an honored guest, which I learned means that you get to speak as well. If I didn’t know what I was getting into I would complain that they had lulled me into thinking they would tell me or prepare me for my first official speaking opportunity, but I suppose that is part of the training. Each week they pick a genre for a group adlib game, this week the topic was Birthdays, and the topics are generated ahead of time by the “Toastmaster”. So the “Toastmaster” kicks off the game by giving an anecdotal story and at the close of her talk she invites the next person to take the podium with a specific story requests. The interpretation of the requests is allowed to be rather loose and each person directs the story wherever they would like, usually trying to steer the story into a collection of humorous revelations. I was in the middle of trying to retrieve a piece of sandwich that seemed to have been lodged in my nasal cavity after breathing in through my nose before I had finished swallowing when I was called on to give a discussion of “my best birthday ever”.

Now up until this point I had entertained all sorts of vision of grandeur related to my inherent speaking ability. I had always been a bit of a class clown through out school and I had been teaching and speaking in front of my church youth group ever since I was 13 years old. I had given a collection of speeches at work and always been the one ready with a good story of weaved half truths when the moment arrived. I loved playing the party brain games and I was really looking forward to applying the same gusto that I delivered in a game of balderdash to this collection of state of the union speech corporate wannabee enthusiasts.

I did Ok. It took me a few moments to finish clearing the chunk of sour dough bread from my inner nostril before I addressed the “Northline Nooners”, that’s the nickname that this chapter of the toastmasters gave to themselves. I made a couple of quick wisecracks where I mocked the standard introduction that I had heard about a dozen times now.

“Good afternoon Toastmasters, and guest… who happens to be me”

At this point I was trying to re-gather all of the clever things that I thought I was going to deliver in this moment… but my mind was flooded with all of the cliché advice that I knew a public speaker would need to adhere to…

• Don’t say “um”
• Don’t wobble in place
• Don’t put your hands in your pocket
• Don’t wave your hands around
• Don’t say “ahhh”
• Make eye contact
• Don’t stare at one person too long
• Don’t pace
• Don’t hide behind the podium
• Did you brush your teeth today?
• Use your personality
• Don’t rely on your personality
• Don’t let them see you sweat
• Don’t fall down
• Don’t cuss
• Don’t pause to long

That’s when I caught myself in the middle of a long “ummmahhhhh”. Had to say something, anything. You got good instincts Shane, you can do this, just let it all out. What happened at your last birthday party? You went to Dave and Busters, that was fun, wait a minute… you got in a fight with your girlfriend that night and drove home silent… that’s too personal, you can’t talk about that. But maybe that will be fun and fresh, no good, not enough time to turn into anything but awkward. What happened the birthday before that. I don’t know. I don’t even know how old I am. Maybe I could just talk about that… no, they won’t by it. You have to answer the question. Just answer the question. OK, let’s just lie. No good, not enough time. You’ll get found out, maybe that will be fun. They don’t look fun anymore. The timer, what color does green mean? Why are you all staring at me you freaks, just eat your sandwich. Ok, calm down… think back… what’s the last honest moment you remember related to a birthday party……………… presents, I get presents at my birthday. What was the last present I got, I usually get money, I have for the past… I don’t know, 10 years, when did I just start getting money. OK, you have to give them something. Just talk about that.

“The last birthday I had was OK, but that was after ahhhh…. well there is this time in between when your parents stop throwing parties and you don’t have any friends that care enough to do it for them… so I don’t remember……”

Ok, that should hold them for a while. No, it didn’t work, the grammarian is just writing down all of my screwups, and now he is just sitting there waiting for more…. Ok, go back, way back… I used to get Legos for every worthwhile event, one time I got them for saying John 3:16 in front of church, that was a pretty good public speaking moment. But that was not my birthday, much less a party…. focus Shane, focus!!!!

Legos, I used to get Legos. “The Intergalactic Lego ship, that was great, I really really wanted it, and I got it… that’s my best birthday ever, I was 10″

Ok, that got it… that got a chuckle, bunch of witty vultures, you happy now? Ok, let’s get out of here while they are still smiling. I said my thank yous and slipped back to my seat. That was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I think I need this class, training, illuminati association thing. And then I thought; “I hate rules and regulations and the best way to do things, all that self improvement crap.” Who do these people think they are? We would never have had porky pig if these guys made all the rules. Once I calmed down, I realized it was just fun, but not easy. I can’t wait till I get to give my first speech about me!

Categories: Criticisms